Jokes thread .... fun begins ones again

start guys:lol!:

Billy Graham & Jesus




Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and
when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his
home.
As he prepared to get into the Limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A
short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed
trap. The long black Limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the Limo and got out of his
patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his
super visor He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce
the law but I also know that important people are given certain
courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important
person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so then it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur.

Joke #1





A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and
since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the
audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just
doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit
howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the
microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43,
and 509.

Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table
who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling
jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"

"We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by
heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the
jokes."

Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but
this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously
laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it."

Saving the Easter Bunny




A man
was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny
hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was
hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The
driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over
to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the
Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunnywas
dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving
down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and
pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was
wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the
Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me.
What shouldI do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew
exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray
can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire
contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously
the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled
eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the
road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and
hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another
50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished.He said to the
woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that
you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so
that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life
to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

There was an argument one day in class between the teacher and her student Veronica.
Veronica said that whales can swallow humans.
The teacher said they couldn't.
The teacher explained that even though whales are humongous creatures, there throat is very small.
Veronica said "What about Jonah? From the bible, you know? He was swallowed!"
Once again the teacher said annoyed, "It's physically impossible!"
So Veronica replied "Then when I go to heaven I'm gonna ask Jonah himself!"
So the teacher asks, "What if he goes to hell?"
So Veronica answers, "You ask him!"

As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to those first-time
turkey cookers...
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a
trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed
the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Why does the toilet paper want to get to go down the hill?
To get to the bottom

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends
late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked,
squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood
looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other
side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the
morning!

What A Wonderful Husband





Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$68,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

She Was So Blonde




She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

Are Computers Male or Female?




A
language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by
gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a
masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that
our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they
tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post
"Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

An atom walks into a bar, gets wasted. As he's leaving, he slaps his
pockets and says, "Darn, I've lost an electron".

The bartender said "Are you sure?"

So the atom says, "I'm positive."

Why did Brad Pitt cross the road?
There was another famous actress that he could cheat on with

Three Blondes And Easter





Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and
are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can
enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other
place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her
the same question: "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the
pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join
her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then
peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what
Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the
last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a
cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby
cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so
that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six
more weeks of winter."

A little boy walks into his pre school class and he asks
the teacher is he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says,
" I will let you go if you recite your ABC`s"
The boy says"ok" and he begans.
"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXY and Z"
The teacher asks him," What happened to the P?"
The little boy replies"It's Running down my pants!"

What does the hot dog say after winning a race?

I'm a WIENER!!!

There was a blonde and she was driving and she cut
an 18-wheeler off...
So the driver gets out, climbs down, and he shouts at her,
"Get out of the car now."
So she does and he draws a circle around her and says,
"Don't step out of the circle....he took out his knife and he
started to slash all her tires... he turned around and she was
laughin...this made him even more angry so he slashed all of
her leather seats.. he turned around and she was still
laughing... he was filled with rage so he got gasoline and
torches her car. Then he turned around and she was still
laughin... he looks at her and says "Why are you
laughing!?!"
She replied, "Because when you werent looking....I
stepped out the circle, I stepped out of the circle."

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Sudi Air 911---You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great"

Pause: Static..........

Saudi Air: "Dallas ATC! Dallas ATC!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 9! 11"

Saudi Air: "You have cleared both our aircraft for the same runway!!! We are on a collision course!

Instructions please!!!!!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now.......ya hear?"

A group of Texas A & M friends went deer hunting and paired off
in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Muldoon Mourns His Mutt





Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya'
tell me the dog was Catholic?"

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a red head who rob a jewlery store.
They hear the cops on the way,so they hide in different nearby
trees. The police man comes to the tree in which the red head
is hidden. "Chirp chirp chirp," sings the red head. "Oh that must
be a bird," says the cop. He came to the tree in which the
brunette is in. "Tweet tweet," says the brunette. "Oh that must
be a bird," says the cop. He finally aproaches the blonde's
hiding place. Filled with panic and a giggle the blonde says,
"Moooooooo."

NEWS FLASH!





Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane,
piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery
earlier today.
Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the
number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Why is Blondie dancing in front of the traffic light??
Because she thinks she's in disco....

Kids say the Darndest Things





As Jimmy walks to his kindergarten class, he sees Jenny. He goes up
to her and asks,"Did you have lucky charms for breakfast?"Jenny
replies"No why?" "Because you're lookin' magically delicious!"