Jokes thread .... fun begins ones again

There was a man sunbathing naked on the beach. A young
girl came along and pointed at his dingly dangly and said, "What is that?"
"It's my bird!," he replied.
She ran away and started playing around in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz.
Later he woke up in the hospital with an extreme pain
around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He
thought that the girl might know what had happened, so once
he was out of the hospital he asked her.
"I played with the bird," she said. But it spat at me so I
cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest.

O_O my god

weeee my posts

Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. "Mommy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?"

[b][ Calif:7.17][Votes: 281]

One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing.

The first one came in.

"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.

"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Then the second pupil came in.

"Why are you so late?" she said to him.

"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Then the third one came in.

"Why are you so late?" she said to him.

"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."

She told him to go sit down.

Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.

"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"

"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"

[a][ Calif:6.56][Votes: 327]

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

[a][ Calif:7.54][Votes: 759]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My case comes up on Friday...

[c][ Calif:7.23][Votes: 247]

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.

The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"

"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.

"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... Perhaps you should remain standing."

[b][ Calif:7.07][Votes: 648]

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy
your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.

On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying,

"Read it, read it, read it..."

A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"



Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the

third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the

third grade too!"



Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.



While Harry waited in the outer office,the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would

give the boy a test and if he failed

to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade

and behave. She agreed.



Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.



Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".



Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".



And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade

should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go

to the third grade."



Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.



Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment "Legs."



Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."



Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"



Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut"



Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop

the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: "Bubble gum"



Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down

and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and

before he could stop the answer...

Harry: "Shake hands".



Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yep".



Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me

up. I get wet before you do".

Harry: "Tent"



Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first". The Principal was looking restless

and a bit tense.

Harry: "Wedding Ring"



Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you

blow me, you feel good".

Harry: "Nose"



Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a

quiver".

Harry: "Arrow"



Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send

Harry to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Three men; a philosopher, a
mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed
into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the
Devil were standing nearby.



"Gentlemen," the Devil started,
"Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter
has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer, then
you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you`ll come with me
to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.



The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With
a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the
Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.


"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.



The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The
Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very
loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out
from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it`s from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven...

george Bush got a coded message from his enemy.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H



Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NASA.



The NASA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.



He suggested turning the message upside down ...

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."



SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."



MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."



SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."



MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."



SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"



MOM :

One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and
shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank
you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

arjun those were mokkai jokes especially that lady in the station -.-"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .






ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

There is a Redneck, an Irish man, and a European man...
A genie appears and grants them each 1 wish.
The Irish man wishes he could go back home to Ireland.
The European man wishes he could go back home to Europe.
And the redneck wishes he had his friends back!!!

THE BAD BUG



Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get
a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the
doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the
same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched
him in the stomach, then left.


The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the
doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit
behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug
left.


The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room
floor.


The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He
explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I
do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's
just a nasty bug going around."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...





Demon: Why so glum chum?


Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?


Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.


Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab,
and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!


Guy: Gee that sounds great.





Demon: You a smoker?


Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.


Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer -
no biggie - you're already dead remember?


Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!





Demon: I bet you like to gamble.


Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.


Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're
dead anyhow.





Demon: You into drugs?


Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...


Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right -
you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!


Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!





Demon: You gay?


Guy: Uh no.


Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.