Jokes thread .... fun begins ones again

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."


At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he
said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're
soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's
office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem
is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What
do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that
we've fixed your smelling problem, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment




NAME: Greg Bulmash





DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.





DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.





EDUCATION: Yes.





LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.


SALARY: Less than I'm worth.





MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:


My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.





REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.





HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.





PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.





DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:


Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.





MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:


If I had one, would I be here?





DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:


Of what?





DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:


I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"





HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:


I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.





DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.





WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?


Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.





DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.





SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

ok this is my last joke and completing my 200th post









A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he
trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a
large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on
the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just
as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a
huge bear met him nose to nose.

The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his
balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he
tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped
at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was
impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious
(in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if
you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot
you give me for the rest of my life."


The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it
stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically...
and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless
this food of which I am about to partake."

funny.......hahaha

read my nindo in TnR

anyways here it is:

*holds donut*
*4 minutes*
If you want it
You aint got it
If you thought it
It better be what you want
If you feel it
It must be real good
Say the word and imma eat what you want
XD




u'll understand if uve heard 4minutes by timbaland and madonna